Alright, so back when I was like 8 years old I lived in Panorama City, California.
My parents were married and we had a neighbor down the street.
As kids my sister and I would hang out with this neighbor, she is female. Unknown to us she was getting beat by her husband and also throwing herself at every guy.
She would tell us kids how bad black people were and to hate them. When my mom got wind of this she told my neighbor, let’s called her G, that we can’t ever hang out with her again because you shouldn’t teach hatred to kids.
About a year or so later, my father is having an affair with this woman. G was well known to have a reputation, she was working at a pharmacy and had to be let go because she kept throwing herself at the manager. She was always very desperate and even acted really weird towards boys. I have always viewed her as a horrible woman that no respectable man should ever want,
30 years later, my parents are divorced and my Dad is with this woman.
My father is an attorney and he makes a lot of money and should have a lot in assets. In my opinion, he should have at least $1.5 million to his name. He does not. He lives in poverty in a condo with this woman. She has 5 dogs there even though there is no backyard and there is constant piss and shit.
My father spends money and only late in life ever thought about a nest egg. He’s an idiot with money. My sister and Uncle are the same way. Luckily, I was blessed with the opposite, having very good money management skills.
I think my father gave up his best friend for this woman. He doesn’t really have many people outside his brother and now my sister and her family. Btw, my sister stopped talking to him for 10 years when he Judo threw her across a room, but since having children magically went back.
It is now I who is currently estranged from him. Every time I try to talk to him he is calling me a ‘selfish little shit’ or to ‘grow up’. He is a lawyer but argues like a 10 year old with name-calling and dominating the flow of the conversation without listening. He told me he was in anger management but I ruined it by making him angry.
So, my question is this.
Is my father a loser?
I think so, and I try to not be like him. I also think that I should never talk to him again in my life. He is cursed.
Based on your description I’m going to take a wild guess: Your father is a “functioning addict”.
It explains everything, including his self destructive behavior.
You dont have to do anything you dont wanna do.
If one really dug through my history before this comment and probably in to the future when I’ve long forgotten about it you’d probably find examples of me not practicing what I’m about to preach but, to an extent no one really is a loser because the term is subjective and meaningless in any practical sense. People might do “loser” things sometimes or even constantly, but still have capacity for change or posess redeeming factors that make them worth time and energy to at least someone. The question is whether they’re worth your time and energy, and whether you have reason to want them to redeem themselves in your eyes.
If your father had been a much nicer spoken man, and also stayed with your mother, but still had the terrible money management and bad financial situation would you still feel inclined to call him a loser? Someone with no attachment to him and whose personal criteria for casting someone in to that bucket centres around material wealth might, but his own children maybe less so. As it happens he has been bad with money, has made a lot of decisions you disapprove of and persists in interacting with you in a reprehensible manner so it’s entirely understandable why you might not like him very much or feel much reason to indulge him or invest in a relationship with him. To me that’s enough, his “loserdom” status is immaterial, in fact it’s a distraction, because if you ever DID change your mind and wanted to attempt to repair the relationship, such value judgements might be hard to cast aside once they’re allowed to calcify and such a change of mind won’t be about his worth based on some extrinsic, arbitrary label but instead about what he is and continues to be to you.
That’s not the right question to ask.
You are asking for validation for resenting your father. That won’t achieve much except making you feel more disgusted at him.
Learn from his mistakes, and be honest with your own. That will achieve more than anger and resentment.
Your father does not seem in great shape either. From what you described he lost fortune, friends and family. If you call him a looser he will just loose his temper, and you won’t have a father anymore. Your conversations should not involve name-calling, set boundaries there without escalating the conflict.
You are right. Name-calling is what he does. I don’t know how else to word my question.
We have similar fathers, yes.
Youch, sorry to hear that.
I think you should first define for yourself what a Loser is, and then see if your dad meets that criteria.
Part of growing up is being able to recognize your parents’ faults.
Whether to excuse your dad’s faults is a value judgement without right or wrong answers.
Very well said. I have a little daughter and I’m 100% certain I’m far from the perfect father. However, a lot, maybe the majority of my thoughts revolve around her and I’m trying to balance preparing her for the future, her wellbeing, make her happy (often the former two don’t make her happy, e.g. eating vegetables) and keep myself sane, healthy and at least a bit happy. There’s also my wife and our marriage which also needs attention.
What I’m trying to say is that being a father isn’t easy and there’s no manual for it since it’s extremely individual.
Maybe your father wasn’t really happy for a long time and kind of waited (consciously or unconsciously) until you and your sister grew up and then turned up the selfishness and tried to satisfy his needs.
Loser is as loser does. Your values determine that. Just remember that nobody is better than anyone else, and everyone is a loser to somebody.
I’ll be honest, I would feel so disappointed if that was my dad.
deleted by creator
Sounds like your father has been exploited by this woman. He’s somebody who’s made bad decisions…yes, but he’s also a victim.
How is he a victim?
Why couldn’t he say, ‘Hey, I can do better than this woman?’
He’s an attorney that graduated from UCLA Law School. Where are his assets? Why does he live in hotels or this horrible woman?
I don’t know why you asked if you’ve clearly already decided what the answer is.
Book smart doesn’t mean street smart.
Maybe she’s really good in bed & your dad thinks with his penis instead of his brain. But somehow he got through UCLA Law School & lawyer job every day by using his real brain.
Maybe. But I still think of her as the woman in the neighborhood who was just throwing herself at every man. Especially after her abusive husband left her.
I understand how that would be disgusting to you, he left your mom for her?? Anyway maybe that loose lady seems to have finally settled down with one person anyway 🤷🏼♀️
Psychological violence have many faces.
Yea
deleted by creator
