cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/38975713
Okay, at work I was surrounded by tons of people who were bigots. They would randomly say how they didn’t want free college because then who would serve at restaurants, while they would say that they care about the environment. They would casually say that the confederate flag was not a big deal. They would casually comment on how they didn’t have any black people in their schools when I sat down at the table. Whenever I sat down they would complain on how men salaries are higher than women, which I would have agreed on if it was not for the fact that the only people always discussing this was middle class white people, who only said this when I black man sat down, and statistically black people make the lowest salaries, so to me it felt like if someone from a buffet came to only complain to starving people that the next person at the buffet got more food than they did.
They made fun of my Mexican coworker who once got mistaken by the guy who was painting the stairs because he was Mexican. And many other microaggressions that are too numerous to tell.
But going to the point of my question: These people were pure asses, but they were brilliant at programming. They did so much better than me, and I was trying my best. It bothered me so much not just because their performance was better, but that they were bigots and their performance was better. It just felt like universal injustice. Made me wonder what was the point of trying if all your effort can just be surpassed by bigots.
I have to admit that I was pretty ignorant of corporate American culture, and had no idea what area I wanted to concentrate on. But somehow these people just knew all that shit. Like, I have no clue how they knew so much.
Which makes me wonder how do you deal with this feeling, and what gives you the motivation to keep trying, when even your best effort can be surpassed by people with terrible attitudes that you hate. Like, I know that I will never surpass people like that, and I don’t think the point of life is being in an endless scoreboard, but it literally just feels like pure ass, and I want to hear others experiences. I also hate feeling behind all the time.
Others have said it, but the quality of a person’s morals doesn’t have any direct correlation with their intelligence. Look at the majority of Congress. Most of them are intelligent people that are just the worst.
My advice is first to assess your risk tolerance to decide where your line is and then pushback. I’m a white male, so we’re not talking apples to apples, but I have long hair, I’ll talk openly about supporting lgbtq+, abortion, and really any topic, and worked in a manufacturing facility surrounded by bigots. If I was in a situation where someone says something bigoted, I’d call them out or give counter points depending on the topic. Some people are just ignorant and willing to have a conversation, but most get defensive. I’ve been taught that silence is complacency, so I’m not in the habit of letting bigots spew shit without pushback. Many of those workers I had an amicable work relationship with and a few others a little bit outside of work. In a work environment, you have to maintain a level of professionalism when discussing topics like these, but you can be stern. I personally don’t care if I piss off everyone that thinks that way, but I’m also not out there trying to get fired.
Maybe if you pushback they’ll get the hint and at least not say shit when you’re around. Make sure that if you’re making an argument, you have the knowledge to defend it. For example, you said black people on average make less, which I believe to be true, but you need to be able to cite statements like that from reputable sources.
Lastly, and this will probably be a little controversial, but there are two things I wanted to address in your examples. First, I grew up in small town Iowa and there were no black people in my highschool, and 3 adopted black children in my town. I don’t know the context of why that was brought up around you, but that isn’t inherently a racist thing, just a fact. I mention that sometimes when I’m trying to express to people how my experiences growing up may have been culturally different from people in more diverse areas. The other thing is that some people do have different tolerances for those micro aggressions. I have gay friends that will call me gay, women friends that will call me a bitch, and know of many other situations where groups of people just have a a comfortable relationship that they’re comfortable making those jokes amongst each other. If the Mexican guy that was teased was not in with the joke, then that’s a problem, but if they also thought the situation was funny, then that’s just it and not something that you should be offended about. Working retail, a guest once forgot a bag on the counter so I ran out after them. Coming up behind them near their car I yelled, “ma’am you forgot this”, and a guy turned around. Was embarrassed, but his wife thought it was hilarious, so we all just chuckled and walked it off. If later his wife was teasing him for looking like a girl, I wouldn’t consider her being bigoted or sexist or anything like that, just making a joke of the situation.
So take all that as you will. Stand up for yourself to the extent that you’re comfortable doing so. Don’t correlate a person’s intelligence with their morals. Try not to be offended of the small things if you can, because there’s not enough time in life to fret over other’s actions. Take pride in the times that your smarter than then and all the time that your better than them. Finally for some professional advice, learn from those that may be smarter than you instead of being upset that they are.
Good-at-stuff != Good-person
You owe it to others to try to be a good person, or at least, not a deliberately bad one. That is the social contract we all have to sign.
You only owe it to yourself to be good-at-stuff, at least you should if not for capitalism but that’s besides the point.
Not everyone can be good-at-stuff, but everyone can try to be a good-person.
If they succeed in the latter so much it causes them to fail at the former due to a sense of superiority and over-inflated egos then they have failed more spectacularly at an easier task than you.
At least that’s my take on it.
Now with the pep talk out of the way, practically speaking - you need to start making an exit out of that environment. Once they catch on they will no doubt pick on the odd one out, and the fact you’re already insecure will make you that much more an easy target. So I’d say go before this whole thing blows up, just my 2 cents.
Channeling what therapists have said to me a bit: it’s not what happens that causes feelings, so much as what you think about what happens.
Maybe you’re looking at things is a winner-takes-all way here? Like, if you’re not better than them in every way, they win. It’s not actually like that, of course. There’s billions of people on Earth, and you should be the best version of yourself you can be regardless of what everyone else is doing. Changing other people is nearly impossible (another thing therapists like to bring up) while improving your skill is not, and the two are very separate here.
Keep away from these people if you can. Focus on your own development. Keep grafting. Use it as motivation, rather than a reason to have your confidence knocked. Know that a lot of people bullshit. Part of bigotry is that it undermines the confidence of people that aren’t part of the in-group, thus maintaining the in-group’s position of advantage. It is drummed into rich white people at expensive schools for this very reason. I’ve no idea what things are like where you work/live, and I understand that trying to address this via hr might just be detrimental, but if they are breaking laws then get evidence and speak to somebody about it.
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