Thanks for sharing. And you are absolutely right about love being irrational and at times selfish. My experience of this was somewhat similar. At least in terms of the selfish and irrational love my mom had.

My dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia (similar to Alzheimer’s) and my mom was in denial for far to long about it. Basically preventing getting him any help early on or even a diagnosis. Very religious and trusting that God would do something.

I don’t even know when it was that I “lost” him. I don’t remember much from that time as I suppressed the memory of those years I was in college. Visiting home and finding out a new piece of him was gone. The last real conversation I remember he asked me “do you hate me?”

He had been asking me if I checked the tire pressure in my car. Whatever was left of him was hyper-focused on worry. He had asked me about 100 times that day. I don’t even know what I said to get him to ask me if I hated him. I don’t remember. I just remember his face so confused.

I know I told him I loved him. Gave him a hug. But I think that was the last time any form of conversation was possible. So when I walked out the door that day and drove to class is when he “died” to me.

I’m sorry for your loss and can understand that feeling of having no control as you see a person you loved alive but already gone.