i’m exhausted man.
tired of getting told i’m the problem with no explanation
i’ve been having trouble with my bestfriend .
We’re both guys, and he’s a bit homophobic (like won’t even sit in the same bed as a guy because it’s “gay” homophobic) which is why i’m having a hard time processing this. (Only when he got a girlfriend was he semi-okay with sitting on a bed with me. His direct quote “it’s still pretty gay but i have a girlfriend now so i’ll allow it)
I do want to say that I am a big advocate for male friends to show eachother physical affection, and i’m no stranger to that at all.
We’ve had an extremely deep emotional bond. He was my very bestfriend in the world and I his. One night I had a mental breakdown of sorts, and his way of calming me down was repeatedly rubbing my back, pulling me down to cuddle (with him in his back and me on top of him with my head on his chest. which i rejected after a few seconds of shock) lots of hugging and pressing his fingers into the of my arms back of my arms repeatedly.
A few days before this I was having a hard time in school (which was the reason for the mental breakdown) and left our hangout early. he asked what was wrong and then proceeded to ask if i was into him to which i said no, and he responded that he was just joking to lighten the mood. Later on his reasoning was that he didn’t mean it, but he knew i had a hard time saying things important (which is true) so he was just guessing
Now usually I wouldn’t think twice about this. but it was around the same time that i found out that he sexts men online regularly and watches gay porn regularly. He admitted shame, depression and disappointment overt this. If a girl did this to me i’d most definitely take it as a sign, but I also was having a bit of a breakdown, so i’m not sure how to look at this? i’m genuinely lost and confused and more hurt than i like to admit.
(after the night he distanced from me and blamed it on my breakdown) :/ right after my breakdown he went to pursue a girl romantically who had a crush on him for a long time, but he had always refused to date her one of the reasons being her body proportions are off (among 20 other reasons he said some pretty gross things about her.)
i talked to him yesterday. Where he looked me in the eyes told me he isn’t gay and isn’t into me and that he loves his girlfriend. and no had no solid answer as to why he broke our friendship off. Just “i’m a horrible friend to you i’m so sorry”.
We got to talking a little less serious in between the serious conversations and i mentioned that im leaving for a week driving 11 hours to go see all my family. (sometimes i get bad anxiety driving home which is a 3 hour drive he’s offered multiple times to drive me home too. declined all of those)He asked me to my face if i wanted him to drive me there. He was being dead serious.
I don’t know what he wants from me and i’m exhausted.
At the end got Told it’s too much to hangout with me and made a bunch of other accusations and reasons
he’s a bit homophobic … he sexts men online regularly and watches gay porn regularly.
I think you’ve answered your own question. I knew this probably had a name, and I found it in Wikipedia:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internalized_homophobia
I usually associate it with right-wing politicians but I guess it affects other types of people too.
Bingo. Sounds like a major case of self-hating gay. I think professional help might be required for him to work through it and become accepting of who he is.
he has religion deeply instilled in him so that’s probably where this shit is coming from. But what does him being gay have to do with being my friend? I literally told him it’s okay that he does what he does as long as it’s safe and that I don’t see him any differently.
This has everything to do with your friend and your status as a gay person, nothing to do with who you are. You can’t fix your friend no matter how much you may want to. Only he can come to terms with his own issues. It’s not fair that you are collatoral damage in his identity crisis, but it’s his crisis that you didn’t cause. You are only guilty of being a good enough friend to him that he felt comfortable exploring intimacy with you. Please believe me when I tell you the biggest issue you have now is the sunk cost fallacy. Again, it’s extremely unfair to you and it’s a shitty situation. Now that you know you can’t get what you need from him, you can either waste more effort on him or save your effort for someone who can reciprocate.
Thanks for your comment. I want to say i’m definitely not taking any offense to this as I’m looking for advice and perspective, but are you saying i’m projecting and my friend isn’t into me? That’s how I took in what you wrote
No, it’s a lot worse than that . Your friend is into you at the same time as not being capable of being honest with himself. I’m not saying it’s necessarily the case here, but people get murdered in this situation even after being friends for years.
There is plenty of potential here for you to get hurt very badly if you pursue him, or worse out him, while he is trying to appear totally straight for his community. Once again, you did nothing wrong and the signals are pretty clear even to read, but this form of homophobia is very, very dangerous to both of you in every way.
Please don’t press him unless he comes out on his own, otherwise there is great potential for danger for both of you. It’s an awful situation and I hope you’re able to navigate it and go on to get everything you deserve from someone who’s available and safe.
Regardless what’s going on with your friend you posted the same long screed in 6 places.
I’m gonna be real enough with you to say that behavior is screaming a big need for external validation. Or at the least, a marker for high personal drama. In my experience, those friends will wear out my social battery real quick and “it’s too much to hang out with me” is exactly how those folks can feel.
I honestly wish the best for you, your friend, and any friendship y’all manage between you. Just don’t forget to monitor the emotional load that you’re asking folks around you to carry.
Ignoring for a moment what he wants from you: do you know what you want from him?
Disclaimer: All I have is what you told me. So this isn’t very authorative: He is gay (or bi), having troubles processing it, he cares for you as a person, and finds you attractive.
You need to talk to him, help him process his feelings, and possibly wait out how long it will take for him to do so (This might be a long time). He is attempting to do nice things for you, do a nice thing for him and be his friend and maybe take some shit from him while you help him sort his feelings.
so your opinion is that the reason he’s staying away is because he’s attracted to me?
Yes, I think that is a major part of it.
Your religion telling you you are a bad person causes some deep turmoil. And keeping the feelings (and the person causing those feelings) away likely offers him some temporary reprieve.
You need to talk to him. Possibly many times over a long period.
Life is too short, don’t waste your time trying to fix things that insist on being broken. Tell him he’s right, because he is, he is a shitty friend. That’s the best thing you can so for him, being honest, but more than that you should do the best thing you can do for you and meet people that are genuine and don’t spend time on people that are going to fuck with your head because they’re trapped in their own.
I had a somewhat similar experience as a teen with shitty gaydar. Fortunately my closeted friend saw a therapist, and then he essentially “broke up” with me and told me to stay away from him because I was “toxic.” Which TBF was true in that unrequited love is toxic.
