Today! Very well news! Good journalisted news! Headlines:

My toddler says she will never eat food again in her life because we demanded she eats two pieces of broccoli.

The child rapist who shits himself says he will kill the world if they don’t do what he says.

My cat says (interpreted) that he is literally dying of hunger and sadness if he doesn’t get a double portion of his favorite food.

CEO of shoddily written autocomplete app claims it will kill us all if he doesn’t get a trillion dollars.

Fridge magnets fell on floor, say FOOD ANY IS IS SUN FOR THREE.